TECHNOPHOBE: A 3 hour emotional rollercoaster!

Is it weird that I’m terrified of new technology?  I must be a massive technophobe the way I react to new gadgets.  Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty; smartphone, laptop, tablet etc, but each undergoes an extensive initiation process undertaken by my fiancé Scott before they enter my (initially!) sweaty palms for the first time.

Buying a new gadget goes smoothly.  I’m hypnotised and drawn into the whole shiny, new, fancy gadget.  I find myself thinking, my life would be infinitely better if I owned this new device!  So I part with my (or more likely, Scott’s) hard earned cash.

Then, boom, the mood changes from sunshine, unicorns and rainbows to storm clouds, dead unicorns and DESPAIR.

The thought of setting up a new gadget for the first time; downloads, installations, registrations (etc) fills me with dread; my stomach churns and I become a gibbering wreck, afraid to press anything in case trolls, gremlins and viruses emerge from within and destroy my new toy.  God forbid something pops up, a user licence needs accepting, or Norton flags suspicious activity!  Action stations!  The world is ending, life as I know it is over!  I need to excuse myself from the room as the thought of looking at this device makes me sick and filled with rage.  WHY?!!! Why did I cave in to peer pressure/ pretty colours/ fancy looking apps and buy this evil machine.  What was I thinking?  I have betrayed my trusty phone/ computer that has served me well for the past x amount of years.  I should have overlooked the fact that it crashed every five minutes.  I could live with not being able to browse a website without requiring 10 minutes for it to load.  Who needs to actually be able to access e-mails from a phone?  Why is that even necessary?!

I’m not very trusting of new devices.  Almost as mistrustful as I am towards salesmen trying to make me buy said technology (does he really mean that, or is he just saying it to make me buy it?).  Some non-descript user licence agreement pops up asking me to accept its terms and conditions without reading them.  You’d like that wouldn’t you? Well I’m going to sit here and read every last one before accepting, just in case I accidentally agree to mind control or am legally obliged to give away all my possessions due to a tiny piece of small print.

I also have this weird habit of researching things online from another “trusted” device, whilst setting up a new one.  E.g. a programme I don’t recognise/ understand pops up during set-up telling me I need to take specific action, so I will pain-stakingly google the programme with the search term “is this a devastating virus” and see what the search returns.  Most of the time, my search leaves me safe in the knowledge, that no, Adobe is not a virus (I’m kidding – I am aware that Adobe is not a virus), but I also question whether or not the site the response has come from is reliable, until I end up in this horrendous spiral of regret, anger and broken dreams.

Scott is very kind and has a lot of patience.  He initially treats me gently like a baby animal.  He’s full of sweetness and light; providing insight and guidance into the new machine’s brain/ the ways of the jungle when I have a panic attack; “No pressing OK is not going to delete all your files”.  Then he gradually becomes less helpful, until he becomes fed up with my melodramatic ways (holding my fist up into the air and screaming NOOO when something goes wrong), until like a mother (or father) elephant/ lion etc, he decides enough is enough; you need to make it on your own in the wild/ online.

But then something magical happens.  I start to do things on my own… and I don’t die!  I don’t corrupt the system completely.  I feel hope and joy when using the new device and all is well with the world.  Well apart from that time I accidentally downloaded a Trojan (still don’t know how) …